I know it’s been far too long since I’ve written to you. I think the last time I did was back in April or May. It was right around the time of graduation because I remember wishing you were there. I’ve been planning on writing you for almost a week now, but I couldn’t get the courage to. I needed some time alone to do this, and I finally have it. So, I have no choice but to do it now; whether I’m ready or not.

This Christmas will be my second Christmas without you, and it gets harder each year. I know they say it gets easier in time, but whoever “they” is must not have ever lost someone in their life. It’s another year without one of your snow globes. I never thought I’d only have 16. It’s weird to think of another Christmas with the same globes. I miss how you would pick them out and get them months in advance just because you knew it was the one. I’ll never forget how much the snow globes meant to you, and you’ll never know how much they mean to me. I didn’t even know how much they meant to me until you passed away. 

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year and a half you’ve been gone. Graduation was so perfect Nana, I wish you had been there with me in the flesh. I know you were watching over me, but it’s not the same. Poppy came up to me and hugged me and said “Nanny would be proud”. He says that to me often Nana. I think of you every day. Sometimes my mom claims she can smell your purfume in the living room, and Sonya says she’s seen your ghost in my parent’s bedroom. I know it may seem weird, because I don’t know many people who would wish something like this upon themselves, but I’m a little sad that I haven’t had my own encounter with you in this life. 

I finshed my third semester of college. If only you could have been here to see how hard I worked this semester. I’m sad because I failed a class, but I won’t let it stop me. I’m going to follow my dreams and go to school to write. I keep telling everyone I’m going to teach but it’s not what I want to do. You of all people knew how much I want to be a writer.

God I miss you so much. I’m crying as I write this, and I knew this would happen. As each day passes, I can’t help but wonder how you’re doing and what you’re doing. Are you up there hanging out with Marilyn Monroe, drinking wine, and basking in that eternal sunshine? Are you young again? You were beautiful through out your whole life. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met before. Ever seen, even. Poppy has tried dating, and I know you’d be happy for him. We all are. He gets a little better each day. But as I said, it’s still hard. So fucking hard.

Every single day of my life, I wish you were here to share it with me. I still have you stored in my phone, because I can’t bare to delete the number. I look at it all the time and smile. Sometimes I want to call it, but I know you won’t pick up. For a while Poppy couldn’t bare to disconnect your phone so if I called it, it would go to your voicemail. Listening to you speak made me so happy. 

I just wish you could be here this Christmas. The holidays are the worst when you’ve lost someone who meant and still means everything to you. You were always there. Every holiday, birthday, recital, award ceremony. You always went, and at the time I may not have showed it but your presence in my life has made such a big impact on who I am and who I am growing to be. 

I dream about you sometimes, and there have been moments when I forget that you’re in a better place now. I’ll never think being in heaven is better than being here with your family, but someone else seemed to. Uncle Joe surprised me, and flew down for graduation. I cried because both extensions of you, my dad and Uncle Joe, were there. It was almost as if you were there. The three most important men in your life were there, and I guess that’s better than nothing right?

I want you to know I will never forget you. I think about you constantly, and I see pieces of you in everything. I was just telling someone how you used to use jolly ranchers as breath mints, and when I would get all your old purses I would find them in the pockets. They thought it was sweet, and I thought I was going to burst into tears.

I’ve been waiting way too long to write this to you. You’ll be in our thoughts this Christmas, as you’re always in our thoughts. I think i’m the only one whose done something like this for you, but hey we both knew words were my thing. 

This world will never be the same without you here. I love you so much.

Love, Sunflower.

There’s nothing left for us to do, nothing left for us to see. Every moment is just tension. Like rubber bands, we’ll be pulled back and forth by each other until we break apart. It’s not a game of push and pull, it’s not any kind of game at all. It’s just you and I, doing the same old dance. Staring in the lead roles for the same old movie. I can feel it coming, we’re going to break. The tension will be released out into space and I will be free. 

We were laying in bed, and I knew it was one of our last nights together; I could feel it in my bones. The early evening soon became midnight soon became early dawn. I traced your every inch with my fingertips, memorizing each and every one of your curves and crevices. Even though I knew it was over, I reassured myself this was one of many future nights spent curled up in your bed together. You looked at me, and in response I simply put a finger to your lips and said “Shh.” I knew if neither of us spoke, I could pretend like I didn’t know it was coming. I could convince myself that all the signs of us ending were just me being paranoid. I could tell you I love you every night and not fear your lack of response. In those last few days of peace, before my head turned to chaos, it felt like nothing could touch me. Somewhere I knew that nothing was right, and that everything was going to fall to pieces. Yet I ignored those feelings and promised my head and my heart that everything would be glorious. That we would stay together as long as you promised me. And in these moments, where the night is completely silent, I was happy. Now, to this day, I can’t stand the silence. I can’t sit in quiet.

Look at what you’ve done to me.

Life is going so well right now. Or maybe I keep telling myself that. I don’t know anymore. The lines between dream and reality are hazy in my mind. I don’t know what I think happens and what actually happens anymore. I’m so stressed out that I can’t even concentrate. I can’t make sense of anything right now. The dividing line for everything and anything is so blurred. What is going on. The only way I can really pass out at night is if I smoke, and I don’t want to have to rely on smoking to sleep. I’m still losing weight, and I don’t know if I like it. I just haven’t been hungry any more. In all of this, my boyfriend is always there to listen and that helps me. But when I can’t even make sense of what I’m thinking and experiencing, it makes it impossible for me to talk about it. 

I’m happy, I have no reason to be sad or depressed but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’m reaching that point. I’m going back to a place I said I would never return to. And it makes no sense. I am happy with everything I have and what not. I think I’m just so stressed I’m making myself unhappy. I’m questioning things that were once solid in stone. I’m avoiding people, getting out of plans just because I’m afraid to be around anyone right now. I feel like I’m just going to sit there, with absolutely nothing interesting to say. Because my mind is a goddamn blank all the time. My body is constantly in pain. I’m overthinking everything right now and I can’t help it. The only thing that makes it go away is sleep, and it’s become impossible to sleep without my boyfriend here with me. 

I’m going fucking insane trying to figure out why this is going on. And I can’t make sense of it. It’s killing me. How am I supposed to talk about this if I can’t even describe it? All I know is that something is eating away at me from the core. Could be stress, which is my guess, but who knows. I could be hitting a depressed state again, it wouldn’t be new to me. It could be anything, and I really wish I knew what.

I decided to take a moment, or however long this takes me to write you a letter. I know you can’t read it where you are, but I wanted to do it anyway. Maybe you can see it, I have no way of knowing. But here it goes. 

It’s been pretty hard these last, what almost 10 months you’ve been gone. A lot of things have happened, good and bad. I’ve made some choices, wrong and right. You know how it is being young and stupid. I got three B’s and and A first semester. My first whole semester of college and I did better then most actual college students. I tried my best to make my family proud, but you know dad. It’s never enough. First semester was a blur. It was the first time in a long time that I had trouble with one of my classes. Shocker right? Anyway, I made some memories. A few of which I’ll tell you about.

I guess I’ll start with my 17th birthday. You weren’t here for that, obviously. Which is why I’m writing about it. Poppy called me and wished me happy birthday, and said he knew you were thinking about me. I started crying. Who am I kidding, I’ve been crying the whole time I’m writing this. But anyway. I got this really pretty, sexy leopard print dress and my good friends at the time got all dressed up and went to dinner. Briana, my best friend, made me a ice cream cup cake. You never got to meet her, but I wish you had. She’s helped me through so much these last months. After wards I went out to siesta and just relaxed. It was a great birthday, and I looked so pretty. I cut off all my hair, I forgot to tell you. I know, I know. You loved my long hair, and so did everyone else. But it was time for a change. Plus, it reminded me too much of you and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

I can’t really pick one other memory exactly from the first semester of the school year, but I can tell you I had some wild fun. Parties, the what not. I know you wouldn’t be too happy to know this, but I started smoking when you died. I couldn’t cope, but I’ve quit now. Two months strong. In November I met the boy, well man actually, that I am now dating and completely in love with. He’s great, I really wish you could have met him. I’m waiting for him to come over as I write you this long awaited letter. I should have done this sooner. Anyway, I just finished second semester with three A’s and a B. Which is a complete switch from last semester. I’m getting ready for graduation now, it’s two weeks away and I’m really excited. I got a dress today, actually.

I wish with everything in my body you were here to see me walk. I know how much it meant to you, to everyone. And they all wish you were here too. But not as much as me. I was your sunflower, the one and only. The first grandchild. I know you don’t play favorites, but I like to think you liked me more. Which is crazy, but still. I miss you so much. I got denied from USF, and the first thing I thought was how disappointed in me you would be. Dad said the same thing when we argued about the denial letter. I didn’t let it stop me though. I’m going to SCF for another year to get my associates degree and then I plan on transferring to get my master’s in English. I’m going to be a writer, just like I always dreamed. You told me I could do it. I think I can too, it just sucks not having the support of anyone. You were the only one who cared enough to tell me I could do the things I wanted to.

I miss you so much. I know I already said it, but I can’t help it. My chest aches when I think about how you’re not here. Sometimess I’ll just sit down and think about it, and I feel nothing. It’s like I go numb, like I’ve made myself numb over time. But now, everything’s coming out. I’m crying so hard right now. I just..I miss you so much. I got a patch of sunflowers tattooed on my chest for you. They’re beautiful, like you were. Like you are. We moved back into the big house, and I always think you’re going to come walking up from the side of the house with trooper like you used to. But you don’t. But I keep wishing. I don’t know what triggered me to write you this, but I know I needed it. I think it was because graduation is so close and one of the last things we ever talked about was how excited you were to see me walk. I wish you could see me, I feel really pretty these days. I’ve finally accepted myself. I lost some weight too, but I know you’d tell me I didn’t need to. Please come home. Come back here. I miss you too much. I know it’s selfish to say you belong here, because obviously the powers that be took you from us for a reason. But I just wish they had waited longer. It wasn’t your time. It wasn’t.

But I wanted to write you this to show you what’s been happening in my life since you’ve been out of it. I mean, you’re never out of it. I know you’re still here somewhere. Sonya says sometimes she sees you in Mom and Dad’s room at night, sitting on the bed. It sounds mean, but I’m glad I haven’t experienced it. It’s her thing with you. Mine is this letter, and more to come. I really wish I had done this sooner. God I can’t stress enough how much I miss you. I know I’m not the only one. Poppy misses you too. So much. He’s not the same now that you’re gone. Neither am I. None of us are. Even troopy isn’t as happy! I just wish you were here to live with us. You deserve it. You deserve your family surrounding you. It’s terrible to say the last time that happened was at your funeral. It’s also terrible to say I’m crying more now then I did there, but to each his own.

I’m young, only almost 18. I still have so much life left in me, and so did you. I like to think you’d be happy with the decisions I’ve made, even if I’m not. I was so disappointed about USF, I shut myself off from the world for days. It was one of the only things I knew you wanted me to do. And I hate myself a little more every day that I couldn’t make your wishes for me come true. I missed your snow globe this christmas. I don’t have them on display anymore, but I know i’ll only ever have 16. 

I miss you.

I would tell you I’d send you a picture of me at graduation, but where you are there is no email, no picture messages. So I can’t do that. I can only hope you’re watching over me, and watch me finish of 12 years of schooling. 12 years of hard work, 12 years of accomplishment. You always believed in me, and when you died I had to learn to believe in myself. For the longest time I didn’t. I really didn’t. But now that I’ve written this out to you, finally let it all out I think I can. I know I say this now, and in two days I’ll completely doubt myself. 

I love you so much. And not a day passes that I don’t wish you were here with me. But I have to wrap this up now. 

With all the love in my heart,

Simone’

I’m listening to If It Means A lot To You, and now I’m getting upset. I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I am. This is killing me.

I just want to relive the past, make it the present. 

God, I miss you so much Nana. Tomorrow it’ll be 7 months that you’ve been gone, and I don’t know how I’ve managed. I just want to hear your voice again, see your smile. I used to call your phone, because it hadn’t been disconnected yet, and listen to your voice mail. It made me bawl my eyes out every time. Now that we’re moving back into the house, my first thought was “I can go to Nana’s house and visit her.”

But you won’t be there.

I’m making myself sick just writing this, just thinking about it. I made you a playlist on my itunes of songs that made me think of you, and I’m listening to it now. It’s just making everything worse. I want you to come back more than anything. I just want you to hug me again, tell me everything will be alright. Anytime I had a problem or an issue you always listened to me. I still remember the last day I saw you; it’s as clear as yesterday in my head. I can’t believe it’s been so long since you’ve been gone. I really don’t understand how so much time has passed. All you wanted was to see me graduate, to see me go on and do everything I ever dreamed of doing. 

But you won’t get to.

Right now, everything is falling apart. One of the first things I thought when I got the deference letter from USF was “I’m never going to make Nana proud.” All I want is to make something of myself, to show you that all that time you believed in me actually meant something. A few weeks ago, I broke down and cried the hardest I’ve cried in a long time just thinking about you. I sat in my car for 20 minutes and just cried. 

My stomach just dropped, and now I really feel sick. I feel so out of place because you’re not here. I know I didn’t see you as often as I wanted to, and I regret it now. I wish I had visited you more, spent more time with you. But I was a stupid selfish person, and my life of fucking parties and boys took over. You got pushed aside. I remember when I was 14, summer of 2008, we went to applebees and I told you all about my life and all about a boy. You told me you wanted to meet him, and you never got to. Oddly enough, we reconciled as friends the day before you died. It was almost like a sign, that something was going to happen. When I saw you, just 2 days before you died, you asked if we were still together. I told you we weren’t talking. And then you said, well either way I still want to meet him!

You never did. And it’s ironic, because he’s coming to the house tomorrow to help me move. We’re good friends, and I know you’d be proud of me for making the right choices and being so strong. But i’m not strong right now. I’m actually crying my eyes out like a mother fucking baby just writing this. I miss you. So goddamn much.

I have never experienced so much pain in my life as I did when I lost you. I would give anything to have you back. I’d give anything to rewind and have the doctors find that blood clot. That stupid fucking fatal clot that ruined my life, my family’s life, and Poppy’s life. He got really bad when you died. He got a couple DUI’s and was drinking more then ever. I’ve never seen him or my father cry as much as he did at your funeral. Poppy basically went over the edge, and it scared me. He’s gotten a bit better though, we all have. But I still have those moments where I catch a whiff of something that smells like you. My mom wears the perfume you got her, the same kind you had, and every time I smell it I just shut down.

God I miss you so much, I can’t even say it enough. I wrote you a poem, and it was a nice poem. I want to start writing you letters too, even though I know you’ll never get them. And now I’m playing the playlist I made of all your favorite songs, we played it at the funeral, and i’m crying even harder. Just come back. Please. You shouldn’t have left. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t time for you yet. 

I haven’t hit that point yet, writing this, where I completely break down. But I know I need to. I just….I can’t keep trying to hold it all in. I just need to let it out, but now everything’s drying up. 

I’m sure it’ll come back, it always fucking does.

Oh my god, I really can’t take this. I can’t fucking take it. Please. Please come back.

I miss you more than I have ever missed anything. I need you. We need you.

Come back.

It’s nights like these when I wish you were here,

To look at the stars, and bathe in your beauty.

Just one more night, of which you are near,

Just one more night where we can live forever.

Show me that you’re here,

Just be by my side.

I’ve never felt this kind of fear,

Please be here tonight.

Forever you will live in my mind,

Alive in heart and soul.

You belong here, in my time.

Just be by my side.

I will light the path back home where you belong,

Forever seems just a moment now.

For you I write these words, this song,

Come back here where you should be.

There is no celebration, there is no life,

I can’t be here without you.

My back is carved open from the slice of this knife,

Just be here with me tonight.

I didn’t know love until I came across your smile,

Your grace and the life in your eyes.

Come back and laugh for a while.

This life isn’t the same alone.

Just come back and stand by my side,

We can watch the moon fade away.

On the beach with the wavering tide,

Just be with me tonight.

In the back of my throat, it burns. Uncertainty and regret at its finest. My mouth, it doesn’t move for me anymore. I don’t even know these words I speak, but I say them anyway.

Your face, it haunts me in my sleep; that’d be stating that I can even sleep anymore. I’m so unsure what to do about all these things. These thoughts they overtake my mind, and then spit out these words.

What’s going on here, can’t you see it? I’m being taken over, and I’m no longer resisting. I don’t seem to care. Rather, my body doesn’t. I’ve got nothing left to give anyway.

So take me, take this body. I don’t give a fuck.

We meet those in our lives for a reason. Each and every encounter has a purpose,  each human being has a meaning. Why would we be sent to waste our time if there wasn’t a reason behind it all?

There is a method to this madness.

You may not know who you are, or why you exist. You may wonder every moment of every day the answers to these questions. I know you do, it’s human nature to guess. We live every day until we can answer these questions. Then our days end.

There is a method to this madness.

Two months ago, my life fell apart.

Two months ago, I lost all that mattered. The best part was I didn’t reallize til she was gone.

Two months ago, I lost a piece of myself with you.

You were my biggest supporter. You were my rock, whether I saw it or not. I miss you more with each passing day, but the grief gets easier. I never want these memories to fade.

I remember when I was younger, a child with no cares in the world, and you would tell me, “Sunflower, you will do great things. I can’t wait to see what you do.”

But now you’ll never get to.

I was the first, the one you had the strongest connection with, the favorite if I say so myself. That last day we spent talking about my future, and my past was one I will never forget. I appreciate God giving me that one last chance, apparently my chance at goodbye.

You’ll never see me walk at graduation. You’ll never read my novel. You won’t be at my wedding.

Nana, I miss you so much. I don’t know how i’ve gotten thru these past months with you gone. My birthday was the worst. I know you were watching me, from where ever you are. I know it. But watching isn’t the same as being here.

I love you so much. I wish you could see this. My eyes run like rain as I write these thoughts, and I am not afraid to admit it. You were my grandmother, my Nana.

Just come back.

July 24th, 2010: my life will never be the same without you.

I heard you say things, things forever alive in my mind. These words turn to sweet nothings, swirling constant in my head. There is no life in them, the words you spoke. They mean nothing, for you stand for nothing.

Show me that i’m wrong. Prove to me you meant it.

I want this to work, with all of my heart.

Right here, right now, it has begun.

Lets just make this work, because you can’t seem to leave my thoughts.

I hope, I pray.

It’s finally coming to the surface, the real thoughts are here. The truths, the feelings.

I am no longer afriad of four letter words.

I am no longer defeated by your sick mind.

Uncertainty is a disease. It’s not the greatest of emotions to feel. It hits hard to the bone. Just knowing there is something to feel unsure about gives me chills. What to think, what to say, what to believe. I don’t know anymore.

To think is to decieve. These days there are more lies then truths. I don’t know who to trust, or what to say anymore. All we do is decieve. I wish things could be as easy as childhood. Where nothing mattered but the swings, and popsicles.

So unsure.

There is so much more to this. Thing’s you’ll never know, and things i’ll never show you.

So. Much. More.